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Whips

1

| BDSM | D/s | Lifestyle | Sadism
Healing With Asexuality | by: Mercer
I've tried to be very conscious in my exploration of kink to not view my asexuality as something that needs to be healed 'from'. There are times when I am better at this, and there are times when I slip up, and find myself swimming further away from my own self knowledge and unique sexual expression.
I've tried to be very conscious in my exploration of kink to not view my asexuality as something that needs to be healed 'from'. There are times when I am better at this, and there are times when I slip up, and find myself swimming further away from my own self knowledge and unique sexual expression.

It's difficult when you are trying to navigate a world filled with amazing allosexual people that you would love to be 'intimate' with, but your definitions of intimacy simply don't line up. Out of my three partnerships at the moment, two of them are primarily sexually charged connections, and one of them is a completely non-sexual connection. I feel very strong romantic love towards each of them - the types of things we do together don't change that. What does change, however, is how subtly guilty I tend to feel in their presence.

I derive physical and emotional satisfaction from performing non-sexual Sadism, and also from sexual Sadism or providing sexual satisfaction to my partner from a dominant place. In many ways, I am a service Domme. I enjoy doing whatever gets the best reactions from my submissives. There are some kinks that I enjoy more than others, in that they are closer to my emotional center, but I enjoy focusing on my partners in whatever form that focus takes.

The 'problem' that always comes up, however, is that my partners either don't know, don't remember, or just don't fully understand that this non-sexual connection is what drives me, even when I am performing sexually charged actions. I have frequent conversations around these topics, and try to explain them to the best of my ability... but it feels actually impossible to tell someone 'I don't actually find you sexually attractive' without it sounding like you're telling them that they aren't a sexually attractive or sexually desirable person. After all, for allosexual people, sexual attraction is the ultimate end result of the romantic and emotional processes, the pheromones and hormones that make you feel close to another person. It feels, more or less, a natural progression from emotional intimacy to physical intimacy.

And so, this is where I have to explain a few things.

I have to explain, for starters, that I'm not broken. Saying that I'm broken implies that I need to be fixed. It also implies that I can be fixed, or that I even want to be fixed.

I have to explain that the trauma in my past doesn't define me, but it IS part of my definition. It's something I can own and work towards letting go of, to whatever extent is possible.

I have to explain that I've come so damn far, fixed so many damn problems, let go of so much damn pain... and what's left over, what you see right here, right now... is me.

No longer suffering every day. Mostly functional in society. Surrounded by people who love me.

And I am still asexual.

Something that I have been somewhat dreading explaining, however, is even more complicated than simply not experiencing sexual attraction. The truth of the matter is, I do experience some form of it.  And the reason I dread putting it out there is because of how others judge people 'like me'.

The truth is that I have an erotic target identity inversion. Specifically, autoandrophilia. ETIIs are the same fetish class that includes sissies (autogynephilia), ABDLs (autonepiophilia), and furries (autoanthropomorphozoophilia).

So, what does that all mean? Basically, I experience my sexuality through the lens of 'becoming' someone else... specifically, the man that is my 'type', that I would personally feel sexual attraction towards if I didn't have this inversion.

Now, if you've known me long enough, you might know that I attempted to medically transition from approximately the ages of 22 to 24. I haven't been open about exactly why it didn't work out for me and why I ultimately stopped, but it was because my mental health was taking a severe nosedive - between hormonal fluctuations, the people I was involved with, my family situation, and the fact that I felt like I could never actually become the person I would find attractive in the way I desired, I was at the absolute lowest point in my life.

ETIIs are poorly understood. There have been very few studies done on them. Most anecdotal evidence, at this point in time, suggests that they are developed in early childhood, and are life-long, 'untreatable' paraphilias. A lot of people with ETIIs, including ones seemingly unrelated to gender, experience both gender non-conformity and gender dysphoria. Sometimes transitioning does help. But that's about all of the information you can find out there.

I knew when I first started, 9 years ago, that the kink community felt like home. But it took me a while to realize just how integral it is to my relationships and experience of sexuality as a whole.

You might ask why, if I know my 'type' - if I technically know the kind of guy that I am sexually attracted to - don't I just apply that knowledge and try to find him? This is where it gets tricky... because when I see the 'guy of my dreams', I don't feel sexual attraction. I feel self-conscious. I start comparing myself to him. I'll see a muscled arm and instead of wondering what it would feel like to be held by that arm, I'll feel my own arm to see how it matches up. I feel myself asking myself permission to feel attractive. It's unconscious. And it's actually pretty annoying, at this point.

And all of this perceived attraction, all of my feelings about this 'guy', are necessarily unrealistic. In reality - in real relationships with real people - I don't care what my partner looks like. The important things are that I feel love from them, safe with them, and seen by them. 

When I'm with someone, I have to turn 'that guy' off. I basically flip the switch on my own base sexuality. That's why sexual encounters with me tend to be... confusing, at best. When my partner turns their focus towards me, either to reciprocate or to expect something other than what I was prepared to offer in terms of physical intimacy, they're either playing with the switch or actively trying to flip it. They're literally trying to turn me on, not realizing that the person I am when I'm turned on is not the same person that wants to play with them.

My primary partner has autogynephilia, without the asexual component. She is able to easily switch from having relatively vanilla sex to exploring her fetish to the fullest extent possible. While we do a lot of exploring together, I would say that when she is experiencing the most 'pure' form of sexual expression, it hardly involves me at all. I am basically just giving her permission and a few guidelines so she can go zone out and be a sexual object by herself for a few hours.

Before you go thinking that I don't have any way to express myself like she does, let me assure you that I do. Expanding the gap between intimacy and pleasure, via non-sexual Sadism, is a large part of what fulfills me 'sexually'. When I am whipping someone, and there is an intense physical and emotional connection happening - despite my 'switch' being turned off - I very much experience a physical and emotional release. No sexual arousal, stimulation, nor orgasm necessary. I try to avoid saying that whips 'turn me on', because to me it is a non-sexual arousal from the anticipation of a non-sexual release, and even suggesting otherwise is likely to bring undesirable sexual undertones to the conversation.

In my writings, I try to make this distinction as clear as possible, so other asexual sadomasochists feel comfortable approaching me, knowing we are on the same page.

But I do tend to attract a good deal of allosexual sadomasochists, or those with other sexually charged intentions. And for the most part, I am terribly uncomfortable with these interactions. I cannot take the time to accurately explain myself to every single person I meet. To every client expecting something from me. To every single potential play partner or life partner. The way that I can play with someone who has at least a basic understanding and acceptance of who I am and what I feel in those moments might LOOK relatively normal, because I am either playing to top them and connect, or playing to please them in some way that I can work around sexually. 

But for me, that switch is always sitting there, and I feel very little control over my own body, my own desires, and my own emotional state when it's flipped by someone else. It activates every little trigger in my mind that can't actually cope with the situation, all at once.

There are times, however, when I feel safe flipping that switch myself. Sometimes it gets flipped once a month. Sometimes it gets flipped once a day, every day, for a month. These are times, like my primary partner's, when I fully immerse myself in my sexual expression. In my case, I mostly just pace around in a dimly lit room and think up stories in my head. (If you thought it would be something sexy or porn-worthy, I'm sorry to disappoint.) I've coped like this for somewhere around 16 years. 

I feel the need for those times less (or not at all) when I am actively engaging in Sadism on a regular basis, which just proves, in my eyes, that one is essentially a substitute for the other. Sadism allows me to tap into the important emotions on the other side without actually having a sexual experience, and thinking up stories allows me to travel to the other side for a while and have whatever experiences I need to by myself.

My life has gotten a lot more worth living since I've been able to heal, all of my little quirks and oddities intact. Since I've learned that I can't 'fix' myself, or my asexuality, or how I experience love. Since I've allowed myself to separate out what's important to me in a relationship, and feel (mostly) confident in my interactions. To feel like I am enough, even if not everyone can accept that.


2

How We Define Ourselves | by: Mercer
Definitions are frustrating things. Every time I think I have the perfect way to describe my experiences, something comes along and upsets that theory. I've been involved in many discussions about what being 'a Mistress' or having 'a slave' means to me, and the more I try to pin down answers for these questions, the further I get from any easy explanation. We all want to describe ourselves in the perfect way. We want to put ourselves out there in a manner that tells people 'this is who I am' and have them understand. We want to find people with values and needs that play nice with our own, who want to take what we have to give and have to give what we want to take.
Definitions are frustrating things. Every time I think I have the perfect way to describe my experiences, something comes along and upsets that theory. I've been involved in many discussions about what being 'a Mistress' or having 'a slave' means to me, and the more I try to pin down answers for these questions, the further I get from any easy explanation. We all want to describe ourselves in the perfect way. We want to put ourselves out there in a manner that tells people 'this is who I am' and have them understand. We want to find people with values and needs that play nice with our own, who want to take what we have to give and have to give what we want to take.

The closest I've come to describing slavery has not been by definitions. Rather, it has been through conversations. Merging two opposite perspectives on a situation to come up with a unique concept for what the relationship means to us.

For example. When I presented Bill with a collar, and asked if he would be my slave, he asked me what 'being my slave' entailed. I responded, "it means you have to do what I say." He told me, "I already do what you say," and I replied, "yes, but now you HAVE to." It's a little embarrassing to think about, because our relationship is built on so much more than me telling him what to do. The intention behind that offer, and how our relationship has continued to grow, are the only things that matter at the end of the day. But the basic concept behind that exchange was taking our relationship from a place of desire to one of dedication.

He has also told me numerous times that he takes pride in others knowing that he is mine, and that he feels responsible for my happiness. Pride and responsibility don't feel like traits that a 'submissive' should have - after all, aren't they supposed to be humble and subservient? What is this nonsense about feeling a sense of achievement and accountability?

To me, those feelings are signs that his submission is both real and based in reality. They are signs that he is not simply 'submitting' to me or 'serving' me, like a kid giving his teacher his homework assignment or a waiter placing dinner on the table. He belongs to me completely. His mind works in such a way that he is compelled to put me first, and can only be truly happy and at peace when he has succeeded in doing so. It is only natural that he should feel responsible, both to me and to himself, for my happiness. And when I am happy, he can't keep it to himself. He wants the world to know.

He belongs to me, and my ownership of him occupies his mind, whether we are with each other or not. I don't need to struggle to put him in his place, or stop him from doing things that displease me. I need only to allow him to make me smile, and the rest will follow.

Despite having worked out what 'slave' means to us, I still sometimes struggle with being called 'Mistress'. It probably has something to do with the sheer number of people who have tried to put me in their particular 'Mistress box'. It seems like everyone has a different definition for the term, and people can be very hasty in assuming that we have the same one. Hell, I even run into this problem when I try to tell others I'm a Sadist, because even the labels that seem relatively easy to define are up for debate amongst different practitioners. Like how Christians have approximately 10,000 different denominations, and the only thing they all probably agree on is that this guy named Jesus existed.

We have worked out what Sadism means for us, but again, the concept is better expressed through a conversation. I can look at my slave and say, "I like hurting you, and I like it because you like it when I hurt you." His response will be, "that's great, because I like it when you hurt me, and I like it because you like it when you hurt me." Plain and simple. Usually followed by, "well, I'm glad that's settled." If you asked me how a lifetime of struggling to find each other could lead to such easy conclusions, I couldn't tell you, because you either understand it, too... or you don't.

In that same way, you might understand that being a Mistress, to me, means that I come first. Whatever my current need is, that takes priority, and the rest will follow. My vulnerability lies in allowing others the chance to make me smile. And my disappointment comes from feeling pressured to fake a smile for someone else's benefit.

The most uncomfortable feeling in the world, to me, is this: being begged by someone to do something that they think will make me happy, so they can get off from it. Essentially, someone deriving sexual pleasure from the idea of making me happy, and projecting their particular desires and theories of pleasure and happiness onto me. This is why there are certain fantasies I will only participate in after being given a very clear sign that the person requesting said fantasy knows that they are doing it for their own experience of pleasure, and not as a 'service' to me. Especially if it's something that requires a lot of attention, forethought, and communication, and they actually suck at it (but think they don't). This is unfortunately a very likely scenario if they've literally made it to the point of mindless desperation. Control over their desperation is not a control I want to have, because the person being 'controlled' is unaware of how serious and disruptive their desires actually are - a theory that proves itself time and time again.

A related uncomfortable feeling is someone trying to twist around something that I actually AM into to serve their own needs, but instead of begging, they try to offer it up as a sacrifice that they are making. This is why I find people saying things like 'I would let you hit me if you wanted to' so frustrating. The fact of the matter is that I don't need anyone to 'let' me hit them. Never have and never will. I know too many people who would legitimately enjoy being hurt by me to waste my time giving someone the feeling of satisfaction that they've served me by simply acting as my punching bag (an extremely inexperienced one, at that). They've connected my pleasure, my craft, and my skills to some imaginary 'need' that mirrors their own desperation, rather than putting in the time to discover what they actually have to give... or, you know, straight up asking what I actually need. These people are usually very confused about the nature of their own desires, and it shows.

A necessarily skill for anyone who wishes to serve me is the ability to put their desires and their designs aside. The ability to let me in. To see me as I am. See my happiness. My sadness. My struggles. My values. My dominance.

There is a reason why the only thing that my slave begs me for is mercy.

And that is what being a Mistress means to me.

2

| BDSM | Beatings | Blood Play | D/s | Edge Play | Flogging | Leather | Lifestyle | Masochism | R.A.C.K. | Romantic | Sadism | Whips | Corporal Punishment
I Can't Show You | by: Mercer
I can show you how I use my whip, but I can't show you how my whip feels in my hands, extending before me and multiplying the intention of my throw with the particular vibration we share, turning a well-timed flick into an intense and commanding force.
I can show you how I use my whip, but I can't show you
how my whip feels in my hands, extending before me and multiplying the intention of my throw with the particular vibration we share, turning a well-timed flick into an intense and commanding force.

I can show you how I hit my slave, but I can't show you
the connection that flows between us, that vibrational feedback that flows through him and back to me in the moment that give meets take.

I can show you how he moves in time with me, but I can't show you
the radiant stillness of our minds, humming together and forming the tune to which our bodies dance.

I can show you how far we take things, but I can't show you
how badly we both have needed and how long we both have waited for this moment.

I can show you how he bleeds for me, but I can't show you
how it feels to see his blood, knowing that I own every drop.

I can show you my smile, but I can't show you
how peaceful, light, and free my soul feels.

I can show you his scars, but I can't show you
how superficial they are compared to the marks we have left on each others' hearts.

I can show you that he is mine, but I can't show you
how hard he works to earn the privilege of being owned by me.

I can show you our scenes, but I can't show you
the immense amount of effort and dedication that goes on behind the scenes, every hour of every day, always working towards a better tomorrow.

I can show you our times together, but I can't show you
that we are always together, in intention, in force, in vibration, in movement, in stillness, in waiting, in blood, in peace, in light, in our hearts, in ownership, in dedication, in work, in love.


3

| BDSM | Consent | Community | Educational | Guidelines
My Personal Protocol | by: Mercer
These are the guidelines I adhere to while navigating the kink community, as well as my personal and professional relationships. If you are considering meeting me, whether publicly or privately, you can generally expect me to act in the following ways. You are welcome to ask my play partners, clients, and fellow community members about my integrity and whether they believe these statements to be true or not. I may make mistakes - and my protocol itself may not be perfect - but at the very least, these are the thoughts I try to keep in the back of my mind as I interact with my fellow community members and human beings. I will keep this note updated if my guidelines change, or if I feel anything should be added to them.
I will not play with anyone in a manner that either of us is uncomfortable with.

  • I will not force my fetishes or desires upon my play partners.
  • I recognize that there are people out there who would willingly and enthusiastically consent to my fetishes and desires, and there is no reason to initiate play with someone who feels negative or indifferent about the things that I enjoy.
  • I will continuously check in with my partner, whether during the course of the scene, or for an established partner, the course of the relationship.
  • I recognize that desires and needs are fluid and can change at any time.
  • I also recognize that desires are not always well understood by the person they are expressed by, and it is possible for someone to get exactly what they asked for and still have a bad time or feel unfulfilled.
  • By checking in, I aim to make sure not only that my partner is consenting to what we are doing, but that they feel positive about our encounters and wish to continue with the play or relationship we have agreed upon.
  • No scene nor relationship of mine is to become so important to my ego or self-esteem that I would be unwilling to discuss changes for my partner's benefit.
  • If the proposed changes go against my own limits, comfort, or morals, I will not agree to them.
  • If my partner attempts to coerce me to change against my will, I will recognize that person as not having my best interests at heart, and refuse to engage with them further.

If a potential partner is inexperienced in the scene, I will attempt to educate them on proper practices and consent before engaging with them.

  • If they claim to not have any ideas about what they would like to try, I will explain, to the best of my ability, what I am into (or can provide) and why I enjoy those things.
  • If they express interest in any activities, I will explain what they can expect from our play, as well as assure them that they can stop me at any time, for any reason, and I will be happy to comply and perform aftercare, as well as discuss the scene with them in an open and understanding manner.
  • I will not attempt to initiate further play with anyone who has called a scene, as I realize that their headspace and ability to consent may be affected by our prior play.
  • If said person desires further play, whether of the same kind or to try something else, I will make sure that they are not doing so because they feel bad or wish to 'make up' for the previous scene.
  • No amount of frustration at a 'lost scene' will ever cause me to compromise someone else's mental state, and any time that I recognize someone attempting to make me feel better by offering play, I will take a step back from the situation and assure them that I would rather play when we are both in a better headspace.
  • I will cease play with any potential partners if they act in a way that makes me uncomfortable, or perform activities that were not agreed upon nor consented to.
  • I recognize that there is always 'another time' to do something you thought of with someone that you have previously had a good scene with, but you can never take back actions that were performed while someone was vulnerable and unable to give full and unquestionable consent.
  • I will never take advantage of someone in the moment, or try questionably consensual activities with someone I don't know well enough to speak up for their own discomfort. Being turned on, attempting to seize an opportunity, assuming consent for an activity because the person has (directly or indirectly) indicated some sort of interest in it, or other such reasons are not valid and should not be viewed as acceptable excuses for any questionable actions.
  • If I know someone is inexperienced in the scene, I will not recommend that they play with anyone I cannot personally attest to the character of. If I see activities being performed on said person that they have previously told me they are not interested in as a whole or do not generally consent to, I will attempt to check in with them to make sure that they agreed to those actions, and that no consent violations have taken place.
  • If anyone requests that I watch a negotiation or a scene to make sure that non-consensual activities are not performed, I will do so.
  • If I witness someone's consent being violated or someone being injured in an intentional and/or dangerous manner in person, and said person requests that I provide an unbiased eye-witness account to any interested parties and/or the proper authorities, I will do so.
  • If anyone in the scene comes to me with a story of how their consent was violated and requests that I assist them in talking to the local community leaders/organizers about a potential predator, I will take their concerns seriously and do my best to advocate for them.
  • I will try my best to educate others in consent in the best way I know how, and promote these ideals to those who will listen.

In my personal relationships, as a Domme, I will never ask anything of my submissive that does not benefit either them or our relationship.

  • I will encourage personal growth from my partner, but not pressure them without consent or shame them into changing for me.
  • I will not ask anything of my partner that worsens their health, puts unnecessary or unwarranted stress upon them, affects their self-image, destroys important or positive relationships, or disrupts their family life.
  • I will also not come up with arbitrary rules, or ask anything of my partner that will not make either of us happier, whether out of a sense of obligation or otherwise.
  • If I ask something of my partner for myself, I will make sure it is something I feel positive about them providing for me, and that deepens my feeling of connectedness to them.
  • If my partner desires help and discipline in their personal life, I will provide it to the best of my abilities.
  • If I disapprove of my partner's actions, for any reason, I will do my best to figure out why said actions bothered me, and make sure that my reasoning is a legitimate concern that can be discussed.
  • If I find that I have no sensible reason for being bothered by their actions, I will attempt to explain the emotions I am feeling, and work with them to figure out what the problem may be.
  • If my partner does not take either my legitimate concerns or my feelings into account, or if they refuse to work with me to solve our issues, I will recognize that there is a disconnect in how each of us views the relationship.
  • If said disconnect cannot be remedied, I will recognize that our expectations are not aligned and that we may be incompatible.

In my professional relationships, as a Pro Domme, I will act professionally and provide the services agreed upon.

  • I will provide a clean, safe, and comfortable environment for my clients to express themselves in, and have any necessary or emergency supplies on hand to deal with situations that may arise.
  • I will take any medical conditions or other personal factors into account when deciding if it is safe to perform certain activities, and will discuss my thoughts clearly and openly prior to our session.
  • I will make my terms clear up front, and not accept any clients that I cannot provide the requested services to.
  • I will interview any potential clients, to make sure that we are a good fit, before proceeding with full payment for a session.
  • I will sign a contract with all potential clients to make sure that my terms are understood. If the client breaches the contract, such as by making sexual advances or intentionally causing personal or property damage, or if I feel that my safety is otherwise at risk, I will end the session.

I will not sacrifice the safety of myself or others for the sake of personal gain.

  • I will not release names, photos, or personal details about any of my contacts, partners, or clients without their written consent, except in extreme cases, such as a breach of contract or in the event that I feel said person is a danger to themself or others.
  • If I believe someone is a danger to others in the BDSM community, I will contact community leadership, report any violations, and if warranted, advise that said person be barred from both public and private events and sessions.
  • I will not 'vet' or recommend someone as a play partner unless I have full confidence and personal experience with that person. If I cannot personally vet them, but know somebody who can and is willing to provide first-hand experience, I will redirect the interested party.